Only laughing on the outside's Journal

2:34PM - There has to be a better way

Beating myself up again today. I know its destructive behavior, to look back with regrets and anger towards me and the SB when we lost the bill, forgot the stamp, spaced the due dates but whatever. We are not overdrawn, we are still enjoying warm food and shelter. Its only money and a jump in the interest rates - and we can deal.

Did not hear back about the new job yet, but there is rumor of a meeting tonight between the hiring committee to make their choices. Hope they pick me!

3:38PM - The Courage to be Rich

I have been reading Suze Orman again today, and I really need to get in touch with my emotions about all of the debt I am carrying. If she is right about the triumvirate of money woes being anger, fear, and shame, what is the hidden message I am telling the world through my finances? Where is the root of all this evil, evil that is poisoning my future with its shame? Uriah and I are not on the same page with money - he is basically well adjusted to the trials and tribulations of being poor but I fight against it every single day.

I am angry when I ignore the checkbook and buy things I have no idea if I can afford, I am afraid to tell my family just how much debt I have and I am shamed to think none of the debt acquired for me anything of value. I hate that I am in debt because of my education, an education that means less than nothing to me. I wonder sometimes what I will do when I have no debt. Can I even fathom what that would be like?

When I get home tonight I need to revisit the debt wall and make a plan for paying them off in an order that reflects the minimums as well as the interest rates. If Uriah pays off his portion of the debt, I need to know which out of all of them is the highest priority. I like how empowered I have felt this week with no credit cards in my pocket, having to look at my checkbook balance has stopped me from making many impulse purchases - mostly fast food. I estimate I have $12,000 in credit card debt, and I want to pay off at least $3,000 of it this year.

Current mood: anxious

4:30PM - Changes in my life

First of all, I am recently realizing my biggest challange would have to be my complete lack of follow thorough on my responsibilities. I suck major goats when it comes to finishing what I am trying to get done. This is a big problem, as it should be when push comes to shove.

Current mood: exhausted

11:13AM - Back!

I hadnt necessarily forgotten I had a livejournal, it just sort of went by the wayside. But I wanted to start keeping track of my diet/health in a paperless manner and an Lj seemed a quick way to do so. And yes I have been fine since last the computer and I spoke, thank you.

I am in a Nutrition class. The professor seems to hate everything I have ever tried as a weightloss/lifestyle changing plan. It has only been two classes, but still...I think she might be a little opinionated without being forthcoming. But we shall see as time goes on.

For breakfast, I will be eating Cinnamon Spice oatmeal. 170 calories, 20 from fat. 35g of carbs, 32 net. How exciting! I have no clue yet as to what sort of thing(s) I want to keep track of, nor the layout of this information. All shall be revealed in time!

Starting lb: 207.6

Mini-goal for 10/31: 200lb

Long term goal for June 26th 2005: 160lbs

10:18AM - Never mind what I had for breakfast

I am becoming a caffine addict. This is not good for many reasons, mostly that I cannot get enough sleep at night. Definately a vicious cycle.

The ladies at work and I are going in on a betting pool over who can lose more weight by Sept 12th. $25 to get in on it, and we will give the whole pot to the winner. I hope its me!

Current mood: bouncy

10:33AM - *Wanted - Thurston County Atkinsers*

I woke up this morning at 3am. I thought it was just a trick so I laid there til 3:30 thinking my thoughts and waiting for the sandman to return, but eventually realized I was up for real. I have read that low carb diets help your sleeping patterns become more organic, ie: no naps or extended need for sleep. As a woman who really enjoys sleeping 9 hours a day I am not so sure cutting that to just 6 is what I want, time will tell if it was a fluke or not.

One side benefit was I got to the Y just as it opened and had the Nautilus room to myself for about 15 minutes. If only I was tall enough to turn off the crappy morning talk shows on the wall mounted TVs it would have been near perfect. 4 hours later I still feel the lovely lovely warmth in my muscles! Next week I will make my way to the weight room and add some strength training to my routine.

I know I want to have cut arms, I am still young enough not to have the "wings" you see on older women and I feel it best to do whatever it takes to avoid ever seeing them on my body. I was wondering to myself just how far I wanted to go with my body sculpting. At what point will I be satisfied? Right now my only personal goal is to get healthy, I am not concerned with getting engaged or buying a house, anything like that. It can all wait til after I defeat my own weaknesses for carbs.

I was looking in the full length mirror when I got out of the shower this morning, squinting at myself, trying to visualize myself with a "six pack". I see this one woman who has one sometimes at the Y, and she is so super sweet and freely dispenses advice on how she got into that shape. You would think she was in her 20's but is pushing 50. I wish I looked that good now when I am in my 20's, much less looked that good at her age.

Okay - self esteem moment. I know I am very pretty, maybe even beautiful? I also am aware that 80lbs stands between me and government guidelines for weight at my height. Could there be a ravishing beauty underneath all of this chub? I would really like to find out.

Obstacles I need to overcome:
Aspartame (bad diet sodas! I banish thee from my diet!)
Eating out (lunch salads are expensive 5x a week)

On the plus side, I bought myself a body fat monitor/scale off eBay yesterday. I am very committed to this weight loss, so much so I have been going to the gym 2x a day for a little extra 20 mins on the elliptical to keep me in the Happy Place. I am not too concerned with the numbers on the scale, I want to have muscle tone and that will alter my weight. Body fat percentage is much more interesting to me. The scale has 10x memory, if only I knew 7 more people who wanted to lose weight with me I could share the scale!

1:24PM - My plan

For whatever reason, I feel more comfortable with structure. Its just one of those things that makes me who I am I guess.

So here is my plan:

Eat the same meals every day for induction. I know, this does not allow alot in the way of variety, but I am a creature of habits.

Breakfast: Scrambled Egg and Herbal tea with Splenda
3.2 carbs

Lunch: Green salad with mushrooms, peppers, mozerella and italian dressing
7 carbs

Snack: Smaller salad as above
4 carbs

Dinner: Marinated Chicken and steamed veggies
6 carbs

Daily total 20.2 carbs

Current mood: calm

10:35AM

This mornings measurements:

Bust: 41"
Waist: 42"
Hip: 46"

129" all around. I wonder if that number has signifigance?

11:10AM - First post

weight: 197lbs / size eighteen jeans
goal: Size eight jeans

I want to be a size eight. I am not so concerned about the weight on the scale, if I could be a size 8 and weighed 2 tons I would still be happy. My mattress springs might object but I would still be happy.

I anticipate given many variables (that may or may not have been properly considered) that 120lbs would be a size 8. We shall see if I am correct. My first goal that I am setting for myself is to lose 35lbs. I want to see what that does for me, and I want to do this in 12 weeks. 12 * 7 = 84 days. 35lbs / 84 days = .41lbs a day I think I can do this!